Has motherhood been what you thought it would be?
As a teenager, my dream and greatest desire was to be a mom. My vision for my life and future was to “get married, and have cute babies.” In fact, I don’t remember it ever being a question of if I wanted to be a mom or not; I just always knew I would be. I had a deep desire to be an incredible mom, one of the best there ever was. I loved babysitting, and had 4 younger siblings, so the caretaker role was one I was very familiar with.
I envisioned having so much time as a mom to do things like sew, decorate my home, and make homemade bread for my family, all while my children played happily with each other. Ha! I remember telling my mom and aunt one time that I was going to have a clean house when I was a mom, and they looked at eachother, laughed and said, “we’ll see.”
I now understand what they were chuckling about. And I laugh to myself too, thinking back to the naive little me who thought motherhood would be this joyous, simple, go-according-to-plan experience. It’s kind of comical how little sewing, and homemade bread I make now as a ‘real mom.’ Very little of my time is spent doing things I actually enjoy and want to do- which is something I’m working on adjusting. ;)
I remember (barely) those first few weeks after having my first baby. The exhaustion! I’d never experienced sleep deprivation like that before. And no, pulling all nighters with friends does not compare. Haha.
I slept pretty much all day, in between feeds, since my baby didn’t sleep at night. Hence, I rarely got dressed. I LIVED in this navy blue, fleece housecoat. It had a zipper and white stars all over it (eww haha). It was warm and cozy, and made nursing so easy- thanks to the zipper.
I remember one day I had a bit of an unexpected visitor stop by to meet/see my new baby. I answered the door wearing, you guessed it, my hideous blue housecoat. I let the person in feeling slightly embarrassed that I hadn’t taken the time to get dressed. I invited them in and noticed once we sat on the couch that my zipper was partially down and I was somewhat exposed- eek! This experience is imprinted in my mind forever! (sadly) Haha. And for your viewing pleasure, here are some photos of said housecoat. 🙈
I always envisioned having a large family, with lots of children. When we got married my husband and I thought we’d have 5 or 6. After having my first, we changed our minds and said we’d have 3 or 4. 😉
However, that wasn’t the way things turned out. We struggled with secondary infertility for several years, and ultimately did IVF, which allowed us to have our second daughter, Priya. It was the most painful, lonely 4+ years of my life. My heart aches for all those who are on a similar path. It is unbearable to see everyone around you having babies, especially those who didn’t really even want them. We thank God every day for our little miracle rainbow baby! I know not all stories end with a baby, and my heart breaks for those who face that reality. 💔
I created a little video capturing more details of my IVF experience if you’d like, you can watch it here.
I have realized and learned along the way, that motherhood is nothing like I thought it would be- it’s full of unexpected twists and turns. It has brought me more joy and also more pain than I imagined it would.
I’m grateful now, that things have gone the way they have. As my older daughter has grown we’ve learned that she has special needs and has required far more of our attention and energy than we expected. But we’ll save that story/journey for another blog post. 😜
As Mother’s Day approaches, I’m feeling a mixture of emotions. Extreme gratitude for this beautiful experience to raise precious children, which not everyone gets. I try not to take it for granted, and to appreciate the blessing it truly is. And also a bit of grief, for what I thought my family and life would look like. Some sadness, for how quickly this journey is racing by, and guilt for not slowing down and enjoying more of the moments. It’s a tricky holiday with a mixed bag of emotions. Maybe it is for you too.
It’s ok if Mother’s Day is hard for you. And it’s ok if it’s not! Maybe you want to be alone, or maybe you want to be surrounded by loved ones. It’s ok if your feelings are complicated. Whether you want to celebrate, or ‘skip’ this holiday, I hope you know you are enough, worthy, and so loved!
Sending you so much love today and always,
-Janae Xo
Feel free to reach out and connect. I’d love to hear how your motherhood journey is going for you. ♥️